Some places leave a mark on your heart and become sweet memories. For me, such place is Dharamshala. I don’t know why, but every time I go there, I unintendedly spend more days there than planned. As if something doesn’t want me to leave.
Whenever I’m in Dharamshala, I just forget about the time, days and hours.. I feel so connected to nature and myself, like something is nourishing my mind and soul, and telling me it’s okay to deepen the connection and allow myself to turn toward the light. “Just surrender to it; you’re safe now.”
It’s a place where I unwind, a place of relaxation and although I had a traumatic experience there as well, I also felt it was a place where I was truly healing. Every time I go to Dharamshala I meet the most beautiful people. They are so nice and peaceful. I felt so welcomed and the vibes of kindness and compassion made me feel even safer than anywhere I’ve been on Earth.
At the same time I felt a lot of struggles. I think it was the ultimate struggle between my personal needs and my sense of responsibility. I felt afraid of that connection. What if I’d lose myself? What if I’d never come back? What if I’d stay here for the rest of my life? I was thinking about my family and my responsibilities toward my parents, living in the Netherlands. How could I be so selfish to only think about myself? So both times I left the place abruptly.
Now the place is calling me again. In March I did a 10-day vipassana and every day this place, the valleys and certain people from this place came into my meditation. You won’t believe it, but when I came home and opened my Facebook, one even sent me a friend request (can you imagine: after so many months of not being in touch..). Was it a sign? In the beginning I was excited, but then I started to get afraid again. What if I’d lose myself? What if I’d take any wrong decision?
From that time my leave to India only started to get delayed more and more. I was supposed to leave for India in May, but now the circumstances have become such, that I may leave at the end of September only, at the earliest. Now I don’t know what’s happening to me. Those valleys, those memories, those places, those experiences… they just keep coming into my mind. It’s making me feel so restless. Whenever I try to rest, those flashbacks keep haunting me. I sleep so lightly these days and don’t get proper rest. What’s happening to me?
Yesterday I was at the sports school and there was no one in the fitness hall. I felt so restless, that I felt like screaming it out: “What is this thing about Dharamshala?!” Guess there’s only one way to find out…..