Since the moment I left the rat race I’ve had to deal with several slaps and crashes. My life got upside down and I got inside out, as many old things were coming up. Feelings, emotions, memories and lots of unprocessed thoughts. To be honest, it felt like I took off a plaster from a wound I hadn’t taken care of and a lot of blood and pus were coming out.

Many times I literally fainted, crashed and got into periods my energy was really low and all I could do was just lie on my bed and do nothing. Many times I was even too weak to make myself a proper meal. Damn, I ordered a lot of food that time! I guess my neighbours had noticed it, as they sometimes made me something healthy and tried to cheer me up many times. I wasn’t able to get any counseling as my physician wouldn’t take me seriously and rather prescribed sleeping pills than heed my request and send me for therapies.

The first months were very tough. My energy levels kept swinging a lot and whenever I got some energy, I used it to work a bit, earn some money to sustain myself and do cleaning rounds of my home and stuff. There wasn’t much “going on” in my life except for my motorcycle driving lessons (and later my physical training) where I kept falling & failing; my confidence broke down almost every time, but my crazy instructor didn’t seem to give up on me. (So why the hell should I?!)

Without any doubt, I was going through the biggest detox I’ve ever had. All because of that one decision to make myself my priority number 1, clean up the mess of my life and start transforming my life into the life I wanted it to be. It wasn’t easy (and it still isn’t). But I sacrificed a lot, worked very hard whenever I was able to and am fighting my demons even now when I’m in India living my dream. To be honest, I feel like I’m still amidst transformation.

During this Indian lockdown I am able to reflect a lot on these crazy past years and I feel like I can finally let some things go. However, I still have to deal with these low energy levels sometimes. I’ve been indoors since 38 days now and my journey definitely didn’t go as expected. That tends to make me overthink things sometimes and then I feel sad and slightly depressed again. Then I either talk to my house mate or watch some ‘motivational’ movie like Brittany Runs A Marathon (any suggestions for likewise movies?? I’ve seen so many already🙈).

Whenever my energy gets normal again, I work on creating my online course and otherwise I just eat, drink, rest, bathe and sleep. Progress is slow nowadays, especially when my Summer activities got cancelled recently. It seems like this crazy COVID-19 situation isn’t going to leave us till at least September. But I’m learning to cope with this emptiness now and trying to make the best out of it. Being less harsh on myself, making my steps smaller and taking things as they come (and hoping them to leave the same way😅🙈).

Geezz, it feels like an elephant’s leg got off my chest when writing this…😅

“Give yourself a break. You’re not perfect. No one is. You don’t have to be at the top of your game every day. No one is happy all the time. No one loves themselves always. No one lives without pain.”

– @tinybuddha (Twitter)
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